Day before last I had a pretty sucky day. It started out okay, but by mid-afternoon I was in a funk. Not the deep dark hole I’ve visited in the past, but a clear-headed funk where I was very much aware of the machinations of my mind. I’m taking that as a sign of progress 🙂
I became aware of how much I live in the past – something I never did until losing my marriage, health and career. Before that, I always had a vision of where I was aiming and the belief that I could get there one way or another. Nothing felt impossible. It was a good feeling and one I don’t always enjoy now. Now, I often long for what I had – a big beautiful townhome with a backyard where I could garden. Or the adorable (mold-filled) cottage I rented in the country for 2 years that had a HUGE fenced backyard where my dogs could run races, I could commune with nature and feed the entire neighborhood with all the produce grown in my garden. Then there was being married and having a companion with whom I shared my life. Although fraught with dysfunction, it was good and solid for many years and I enjoyed the lifestyle. There were also the days when I could work hard and make a ton of money if I wanted. I had a different set of choices than I do now, and 2 days ago I wanted those choices back.
This nostalgia does not imply that I’m not grateful for all my many blessings. I have a measure of health that many with autoimmune disease and Lyme don’t. I live in my own condo on a gorgeous lake in a very supportive and friendly community of neighbors. I share my life with 2 of the most precious Westies ever and am sweetly serenaded on demand day or night. My physical needs are met and I am supported financially. These are miracles I am grateful for each and every day.
I have no sense of direction. Some people are fine with this, and I truly wish I was one of them. I vacillate between allowing life to reveal it’s plans according to its own timing, and trying to figure out what’s next so I can go make it happen. There are days when things seem to be happening. Then days like Wednesday when what little momentum I had comes to a screeching halt. I’ve learned to ride out these emotions like the weather. It always changes.
Change it did on Thursday morning. I realized that I have to actively participate in creating my new life and not wait for it to magically appear at my doorstep nor charge full steam ahead as if it’s all up to me. I’ve had this realization before, or course. My head is still hard and it takes me a while to get the obvious. But when things seem to be moving along then stop, I typically think I don’t know what I want because if I did everything would work out magically exactly when I wanted it to and that I need to stop doing anything until my direction is crystal clear and then I can start again and everything will work out exactly how and when I want it to. Right. Like I said, this head is hard and this Soul stubborn.
Here’s the thing, though, about where I am on this journey of creating a new life. I already know alot about what I do and don’t want.
- I can’t go back into a high-stress corporate career.
- I don’t want to do anything where I have to be constantly networking to find new clients.
- I don’t want my life to be all heavy and serious. There are lots of problems on the planet to solve, and the only way I’ll participate in fixing any of them is if it’s fun. This is my karma, dharma, whatever you want to call my Soul’s purpose during this lifetime.
- I want to have fun and do things I enjoy. Brené Brown uses the word “wholehearted”. I add to that lighthearted.
- I want balance, ease and flow. Creativity, imagination, and joy. Friends, laughter, dancing and lots of time in nature. And always, without fail, Westies. Many, many Westies.
- Above all, at the end of my life, I want to know that I lived MY life.
How does this list a life vision make? I’m following what I love and enjoy. That’s it. Is it fun? Does my energy increase or decrease when I think about it or do it? Is it creative, lighthearted and make me happy? Does it fit into a relaxed lifestyle? Am I moved to do it? Not in a serious way, but does my energy move in that direction? Do I feel a yes or a no – coming from my body and energy field? This approach requires me to come down out of my head and into my body. Yep, there’s that body thing again. In fact, my whole life is coming down to fully inhabiting my body, listening to my body, and loving my body. I used to think my heart was the guiding force, but without my body involved, my head takes over.
So there you have it. I’m not “headed” anywhere. I just need to be embodied. This, coming from someone who used to think the body’s purpose was to carry around the head. Ha!